My pain and gain from a life threatening illness

You see that bit in the tagline on the blogheader where it says “odes to life?” I want to tell you about my pain and gain. A brand new aspect of me that I have been in doubt about sharing with you all. I need to though.  A new layer to me, one might say that I have developed in 2014 – which has been my worst/most evolving year ever.

I have been really sick. I wrote a bit about it in my “meet Henriette” section of the blog. I don’t want my illness to define me more than it already has – and the reason for that is that it has meant life-altering changes in my life. Before the illness, I had a tendency to over-analyze people and turn my worklife into a living hell, because I was so insecure about myself. Ok and I didn’t like myself at all. The mental drag I was keeping in my head around people, clients not signing on anyway, clients pushing prices incredibly low etc. was so hard on me.

So I decided not to deal with it anymore, because it was a huge stress factor on me. I would lie awake in the middle of the night trying to figure out what to do. I wasn’t happy. I was miserable.

When the illness came into my life I was forced to look at everything that didn’t work and decide if it was something I would keep, or something I would change for the better so it would fit the “new” me. The one that’s here now. I changed everything from business, friends, stuff in the house, who I saw, how I spend my time, how much I read and paint and write – important stuff. And I found something in all of these changes. I found a woman in my mirror that I adored. That wasn’t scared of dying, because she had done the best she could and she was pretty bad-ass.

At that point when I started to change things around and looked at them differently, that was when the ultimate low hit me. Even though I was convinced I was going to get through this, the doctors at the first hospital started to doubt it. They didn’t say it directly to me, but after half a year on really heavy drugs – nothing had changed – my lungs wheren’t getting better and everyday was a challenge. Picture yourself not being able to walk up a flight of stairs without being completely out of breath. Picture yourself not being able to do any kind of activities and actually making a cup of coffee for yourself would be the victory of the day. That was me around 8 months ago.

Right after they (didn’t) tell me that they didn’t know how to deal with this decide I had a weekend from hell. Where I started to say goodbye to everything. Where I actually looked at my husband and daugther and thought “I think you will be ok, but I will miss you so dearly”. I looked at all the stuff I loved in my life and started to align myself with the thought that I might not get through this. That was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. If I should choose the darkest hour of my darkest year of the soul, it would be me sitting on a chair in the summer sun seeing my husband working in the garden and thinking “I love you – and I am going to miss you SO much – and take care of everything when I am gone”.

A couple of days later, I started as a specialist patient at Denmarks leading doctor in his field – which included this incredibly rare lung thingy that had decided to recide in me for the time being. He started to give me some other drugs and I slowly got better. Things started to change. One of the things that I visioned the most at this time was to be able to bike again. a couple of weeks later I biked again. I got life, but with a changed core. Mostly because everything had been up for review. It was like I took my whole life, the people in it, how it was set-up, where I was living, how I was spending my time – the works – wrote about all the things I loved and hated about it all and decided whether or not it was going to stay with me or I needed to toss it. But at the bottom of all of this pain and change was a thing that I told my rockin spiritual advisor Mariakaisa Bruun at the beginning of this when she asked me how I was feeling about it all. I told her that I knew I was going to get through this. Because a part of me just knew. I call it faith. I didn’t give up or gave in and I just took one day at the time.

Now? Life is a complete joy to me. I do stuff I care about. I do stuff I love. like writing and connecting with people. Creative things.

I am so looking forward to go skydiving for my 100th birthday. And the party I will have when I am off the drugs. And the books I will write. And the startups and brands I will advice on brand design and PR. And being a style icon always. All is good and well and I am so happy just to be here. When that is the output of everything – life changes. It’s not so complicated and you don’t fuzz around people or unimportant stuff.

Keep on rockin in a free world rockers !

rock on henriette weber

 

 

6 Comments

  1. Elmine January 14, 2015

    Thank you so much for sharing. True guts! And so glad you’re still here :)

    Reply
    • Henriette Weber January 14, 2015

      You’re welcome Elmine – and so am I. Every minute of every hour.

      Reply
  2. Ton Zijlstra January 14, 2015

    Beautiful Henriette, you made me teary eyed. And as Elmine said, brave to share. So glad you got through. Even what very little we saw last summer, when you were already getting better, scared me. Hugs,
    Ton

    Reply
  3. Henriette Weber January 14, 2015

    Thanks Ton! – it took tears to write it. I know it’s been pretty bad – but luckily I only experienced it from the inside. However I could see that people reacted weirdly and I had to comfort them that “it was but a flesh wound” – you know Monty Python style.

    Reply
  4. Jette Blok January 14, 2015

    U rock

    Reply
  5. Charlotte January 15, 2015

    Welcome on the other side. It is great here isn’t it?!
    And welcome back! You have been missed <3

    Reply

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