‘When is the last time you’ve felt your body?
What do you mean felt my body? Are you actually telling me to sit down and feel my body? Why in the earth would I do that?’ – conversation with a clairvoyant sometime 2015.
When I (finally)felt my body I became really scared. Because I don’t really think I had felt it since I was a kid. I had chopped that part of me off, and only used it for punishment. As a machine that I used to better myself. Nothing more than that. Actually I would say that I believe that for a loooong time I only had one thing out of body, mind and spirit going on -and that was.. mind. I was really smart though, and I am still really good at using my mind. Training it. Reading. It’s still my favorite part of body, mind and spirit. but I would say with a couple of percent now – and not 30 % ahead of the other two.
Before the quote in the top, my mind had become out of control. It made me wake up every night around 3.30 for a year. It kept coming up with strategies for me to win in life.
‘there’s some parts of you, you really need to look at’.
And then at some point everything came crashing down. I could feel that I wasn’t ok. Then the allergic alveolitis came sneaking in and I was truely in a bad shape. But it made me still. It made me start to relate to myself again.
In the beginning, not being able to breathe, I would sit on my writing sofa and listen to hay house radio podcast and read books. I had my girl squad of my favorite ladies with me on facebook messenger where I would discuss everything I found. ‘Louise L Hay just said that I need to go in and look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself. How stupid.’ I really didn’t think I needed it, I really didn’t think I needed to relate to myself. After reading a couple of books I decided that I had to do two things a day, and two thing only. Go down to my atelier, drink my morning coffee and talk to the old apple tree that my great grandparents planted in my garden. The other thing was to put a mirror in my kitchen and smile at myself everytime I walked by it – I did – the one or two times a day where I would have enough energy to go into the kitchen. But I couldn’t help but saying ‘ you will beat this’ and smile at myself. ‘you rock’, ‘you look awesome’. ‘you’re eyes are full of life and you will live’.
And that was my beginning. I wanted to live. If loving myself was the premise for life, I would do it. If getting in touch with my (screaming) spirit again. I would do it.
I started seeing a healer regularly. I started feeling what different food and drink did to my body. I accepted the dietist the hospital got me. If not for diet advice (which I pretty much know by now) then for psychological counsel when they had to put me on high-dosis steroids and I could easily gain 3 kgs over night because of the medication. I couldn’t control anything. And in the middle of that, I found her. The yoga loving teenager, that I once was. The goth girl. The spiritual seeker. The musician. – My body. And I listened and I listened. I started to dance. I started to meditate.
After a while and a lot of reading and spiritual woo-woo-ness, I feel like I have reached a new niveau. A niveau where I am not afraid anymore. I am not scared because of the climate changes or exstinct animals. I am not afraid of dying anymore. I am (almost) not afraid of flying, because I truely believe that I belong here, for as long as I shall live – and then maybe for a while after that also. You’ll never know.
I am not afraid, I don’t want to apoligize for my experiences, myself or my feelings anymore. I am here and I am love with myself, fully. Oh yeah. and my body, overweight and all, absolutely rocks=) it has gained weight (and I am 3 kgs down from when I came off high dosis steroids!!!) but it’s my body, it’s all I have, and I love it.